"Anxious Hog"

If you’re not a blogger, you may not be aware that I can see quite a lot of information about you, the reader.  I’m able to see where you are, what you read on the blog, how long you stay, your weight, girth and what you’re wearing.  (Some of these aren’t strictly true).

Campanula. The Priory – September 2011.

And if you arrived via a search engine, I can see the words that brought you here.  And these search words are often enlightening, amusing, puzzling, alarming, and sometimes an imperative to have you apprehended and locked away without delay.


One of two Priory Lions – June 2011

Sadly, it is only in the past few weeks that I have started to keep a record of some of the more interesting search words and phrases.  The title of this post is one such entry but sadly a few real beauts have slipped through my fingers and tumbled out of my memory.


Toadstool on one of my bonsais – November 2011

Some like “foxglove looks bad” or “perhaps I should give up tomatoes” are the wistful murmurs of gardeners the world over.  Others have a note of exasperation about them: “can’t mow” (to which my response is, stop whingeing and get on with it) and “aquilegia running aMOK.”   I love the partial capitalisation on the latter.  Such bad behaviour from such a naughty aquILEGIA.


Bee on Ecinops, The Priory – July 2011

A few are rather more bemusing.   “Cows wearing earphones,” “cute calf with nose ring,” (whatever floats your boat, I suppose), “chicken staring into the distance” and “how does a plonk plant look” all set me to wondering.  Some are more unnerving, such as: “snake ate my dog,” and “insectivorous plants bite me.”  And the odd one simply seethes with anger:  “the gardener has butchered my beech hedge”  – hope they don’t mean me!


Nigella and Sedum, The Old Forge – August 2011

Others are just a little curious (if  owly): “standing like an owl”  and the similar “sitting somewhere and do like an owl.”    I now feel compelled to do both.   “Tawny owl flying without logos” – quite right too; owls should not be commercialised.   “Angelika asibo that come” – I have spent some time mulling over and am still none the wiser, while “sad rain” and “cows that are alone” have just made me feel melancholic.  My retort to “fence moved by creep” is a) I didn’t move it and b) don’t be so rude.


Cycad leaf unfurling (photo turned on its side), the Priory – July 2011

I concluded that “mallard ducks mink” is the only response to being chased by such a scary animal and that “when I takes some ahhhh” was typed by someone as they walked off a cliff.  Several visitors who entered either “bums in beds” or “at home with the girls” were, I can’t help but feel, disappointed to end up at a gardening blog (both, if you wondered, were more or less the titles of posts on the AG).

Miscanthus transmorrisonensis, The Priory – November 2011

But, so far, my favourite is an existential wail (or at least an argumentative pout), which is so cryptic I can’t help but ponder what was meant by it:  “Gandalf, I too am a gardener.”  It seems churlish to point out that Gandalf wasn’t actually a gardener – unless perhaps in his spare time.  Besides, there is something so irrefutable and heartfelt about those six words that I’m tempted to have them printed onto a tee-shirt.  You see Gandalf, I too am a gardener.

16 thoughts on “"Anxious Hog"

  1. Pingback: The Mind Boggles! « wellywoman

  2. Hi Nellie, I have to say that I haven't considered composing post titles in terms of Google hits. I suppose I ought to, but I think they would be pretty dry titles. I don't suppose many people search for “Anxious Hog” whereas a lot more would search for “Google Search Words?” Hmmm, I'll have to think on that one. Oh, and thanks for visiting.

    Golly Gee Nat, coming from you and the standard of photos on your site I really appreciate that. Ta. The relevance issue is interesting and I'm pleased and honoured that anyone typing in “chicken staring into the distance” might find the AG.

    Thank you Karen. Kind words – and I liked your comic strip, by the way! And yes, I'll pass on the message.

    Hi Luton Boys, ah well, rude searches. I didn't really go there in this post! Quite a minefield! I did a post a while ago about bird feeders – lots of ref’s to blue and great tits. Yep, you can imagine the kind of hits I get! Glad it made you laugh. Mission accomplished!

    Mr Faisal, all I want from Father Christmas is magnetic unforgetability (though I didn't realise it). Interesting that it sounds like you're getting lots of traffic from dodgy sites. I do too. Mostly Russian and I don't really understand why – somehow cashing in on the number of hits I get? Can't say I really understand. Glad I made you cackle! Cackling is good.

    Hi Jane, thanks for that. I often battle with whether or not to continue blogging (given how much time and effort it takes) but comments like yours help me (cough, splutter, cough) struggle on (cough, splutter, cough) against all adversity (cough, splutter, cough). I get lots of traffic from porn sites too – not sure why, except of course when someone there types in “Bums in Beds.”

    Hi Janet. Thanks and I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

    Hi Wellywoman, thanks and I'm so very pleased that you ended up with someone called Wellyman. What were the chances?

    Don't worry, Stacy “Bowl-of-Rocks” M, your hair looks fine. Really. Not too sure those shoes are working for you though. Perhaps something less sparkly? I only mentioned Gandalf once and then you and I had a little e-chat about him in the comments section and now Gandalf + gardener brings you to the AG. Which I'm very happy with. Bowl of Rocks is very cool as well (though the acronym is less good).

    Hi Holley, that's very funny (and I won't push you to reveal the term – chuckle). Perhaps you could devise a pop up for anyone who finds your site using that 'term' that just says – “Nothing for you to see here – please move along.”

    Hey GS, I love that and feel left out that anyone entering “Jazzy Shrimp Painting” won't find ME. I shall have to figure out how to incorporate it into a post.

    Hi Elaine, if you go into your blogger stats, click on 'Traffic Sources' and then scroll down to the bottom you'll see “Search Keywords.” Anything interesting?



  3. Yes, I have a strange term that keeps coming up! I keep thinking “OK, surely you realize what you're looking for is not here! Move on!!” I swear I've never used that term, either! Maybe that's why they keep looking! haha


  4. Even speaking as a blogger I find it unnerving how much those stats counters can tell you. Knowing that, now if I check into someone's blog more than once per post, I feel like a stalker. Which doesn't stop me, which makes me feel more like a stalker. It's Blogger stats for me–they don't tell you anything nearly as useful, and that's a relief.

    What a fun set of search terms, though. I wonder whether the “anxious hog” hunter was worried about porcine stress levels or making sure no one takes more than their fair share of anxiety. And does anyone want to take bets on how soon “Gandalf, I too…” goes viral? One of the most frequent searches I've gotten is “bowl of rocks”–not really what I aim to be known for, but there you are.

    I probably should have combed my hair before typing this, b/c of the stats counter. Sorry.


  5. Great post. I was just talking to Wellyman the other night about the search words that were coming up. Bizarre. I really have no idea how people end up at my site when they have put such strange combinations of words into google and why would you be putting these strange combinations in anyway. The mind boggles. I will have to take note of some of the stranger ones too. Loving that last photo.


  6. Hmmm…I too check out how people arrive at my card making blog. Most are via Porn sites! Yes…worrying!! And the amount of offers of gadgets & gizmo's & fun with an assortment of 'breathing' bodies is enough to make the bravest of mens eyes water!! Keep up the good work & my weekly chuckle! x


  7. Yes, David, too many times have I found the locator of my blog to be no-one more than a Randomite. And I thought they were looking for ME! Not to mention the sites from dubious whereabouts, only wanting to what – hack into a GARDENING blog? Don't they know we're uncool (I'm speaking for myself of course)? Haven't they anything better to do? Not like me, crafting posts of magnetic unforgetability…
    a great cackle you give me.


  8. Stunning photography David! Not just a head gardener but a good photographer too 🙂

    Your post made me laugh this morning, and this is the first blog I've read talking about the strange search words that lead onto our blogs.

    Some of them are truly beyond comprehension (like why would anyone search that combination of words to begin with?). It does make you wonder, fascinating and entertaining! Oh yes, then there are the naughty ones too (too naughty to mention, lol!).


  9. The photography on this site is unreal.The photo of that cycad couldn't be more amazing. Wow.

    Tis amazing what people type in to find you, I've often spent moments doing the same thing. Still in a world of google, you type what you think and amazingly enough you often find something relevant. Technology… OoOoOoOo!


  10. Beautiful photos for a funny blog. I, too look at the search words that carried folks to my blog. It does make you think more about what labels you use. My travel blog gets the most search engine visitors, I guess because they are searching tourist places to travel themselves.


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